my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
