Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
How external is "for external use only"?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
