so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
