Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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