I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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