Your face is a jimmy john
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
