I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was CRYING into my vagina
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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