How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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