It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize