I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
