chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize