your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
