Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
