Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
