Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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