Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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