I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
