I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
