WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
