Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
