Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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