My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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