thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
