Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
