Yo dont text me then not text me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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