girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
