Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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