You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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