haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
