You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
