I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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