I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
