True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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