I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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