I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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