i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
