Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Randomize
