Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
