She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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