she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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