I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
