my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
