I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
