I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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