I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
