I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
