so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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