I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
