so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
