Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize