You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
