i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
