people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
