sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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