I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
