i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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