She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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