Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
