i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
